Triple H

let me just say that it's good to be back.

now, about those triple Hs.. i won't leave u wondering, although if u know me or have read my writings before u'd know that that ain't my style.. but anyway, let's say that i'm still warming up after a long time of drifting along life's rough waves like a fishing boat in the atlantic.. ok, ok, i said i won't keep u wondering.. although it could be more interesting to let u guess what the 'H' stands for.. but i said i won't keep u wondering and i'm a man of my word.. 'H' stands for 'Happiness'..

Triple Happiness.. yes i mean it.. triple.. as in one, two, three.. Happiness with a triple effect.. let me explain..

have u ever wondered what the world would be like without love?.. and i'm talking about the hot romantic feeling, not the one Jesus would feel to a child!.. let me re-phrase.. what if there is no love between men and women, although i bet they'd still have sex anyway.. to make it more personal, what if u don't feel love.. what if u don't experience it.. u don't find it.. or maybe, what if u just can't love.. u just don't have the capacity.. what if u CAN'T love.. before u say, 'well, everyone CAN love, they just need to be stimulated'.. let me continue, 'or find the right person, at the right time, in the right place'.. ok, but what about that time when u feel u can't, although u can.. what about that time when u don't trust ur capacity, although u should.. what about that time when u start to believe that u're the exception of the rule, although u ain't.. that's what i'm talking about, and that's what i experienced at an earlier period of my time on this endangered planet.. i'm not gonna dwell on that now, i just want u to imagine my Happiness (H #1) to know, and be certain of, the fact that i CAN love.. so much..

let's wonder about something else.. did it cross ur mind just now that it's not really important to be able to love if u don't have someone to do it with.. what's good in having an ability that u can't use.. well, personally, i didn't experience that but i guess it would be as alarming as not being able to love.. maybe even damaging.. deadly.. hurtful.. lethal.. just evil.. but again, i'm not gonna dwell on that either, i just wanted u to imagine the extent of my Happiness (H #2) having found my someone in this life..

now, enough wondering and let's talk facts.. the third H is my baby.. Heinz.. the best thing that ever happened to me.. my source of all Hs in the world.. Baby, u complete my Happiness.. u complete my life.. u complete me..

i luv u..

i

i look around.. there's no one there.. myself and i.. sharing a chair.. inhaling life.. exhaling air.. flesh vs. spirit.. who can compare.. one that is common.. and one so rare.. so basically simple.. but yet unfair.. i propose to write.. on a page so white.. myself in rage.. mad but polite.. denies me this.. but it's alright.. i'm used to that.. to sit and chat.. me and myself.. mortal combat.. i start with a word.. that ain't too long.. it's just 1 letter.. but yet so strong.. i start with 'i'.. it sounds so dry.. myself takes over.. with no reply.. i just go on.. wondering who won.. not knowing that.. myself has gone.. so far away.. with no delay.. to be with her.. to play.. to stay.. to pray.. to sway.. that's how it is... every single day.. a pure transfer.. my soul with her.. who can compare..

i stay as 'i'.. 1 word.. 1 letter.. 1 sigh..

a journey on hold..

he was walking in the street.. there were people around.. some going in the same direction.. some in the opposite.. some going fast.. some going slow.. some standing still.. too many people going everywhere, but he felt alone.. he was alone.. no companion along his journey.. not that he wanted it this way.. but that's how it was.. and he was ok about it.. so he was going on his own way.. with his own pace.. to his own goal.. and it was good..

he collided with her.. along the way, they just bumped into each other.. he hit people before.. and he always went on his way.. but this time it was different.. she went along with him.. this also happened before.. people would sometimes be going his way.. but she was different.. this time it was different.. she was going on her own way.. with her own pace.. to her own goal.. but it just happened that it's the same way he's going.. with the same pace.. to the same goal.. or at least that's how it seemed..

they walked together.. hand in hand.. like one.. but again that's only a figure of speech.. they can't be one.. it's virtually impossible..

then came the moment where they faced a crossroad.. they thought they're going to the same goal.. and yes they are.. but each wants to go there in their own way... but it's a crossroad.. and they have to decide.. which way to go.. cuz even though they're both going to the same goal, they need to decide which way to go.. or else, they will separate.. each going on alone again.. yeah they'd eventually meet again.. but who knows, it might be too late..

he wants her to go along.. but he wants her to want it too.. he will not force her or trick her.. but how can he do it.. how can he make her want it.. he thought he was that close to her.. that he can actually create thoughts for her.. that he can influence her heart beats.. or take her breath away.. but he realized he can't.. no matter how close he gets to her.. no matter how much he wants her.. no one, just no one can have that kind of effect on someone..

he will go on.. yes he will.. and she will too.. and they will both reach their common goal.. they are that strong.. but will it matter?..

nothing.. nothing they can do would ever turn back time.. time will go on.. it always does..

Out of 's'-p-'l'-ace...

am i out of place or out of space?.. or both?..

out of place - do not belong to where i'm at.
out of place - can't find a place to belong to.
out of place - put in a place i don't wanna be in.
out of place - can't find the place i desire.

out of space - can't find more room.
out of space - an alien.

both - having this crushing, shoulder-loading feeling that i want and need to belong but can't cuz of elements beyond my control that i wish to change and am working hard to change but to no availe.

if you think u know who u r, u have no idea.

hurtommitted?

no it doesn't mean committed to hurt.. i'm just exploring whether commitment could hurt.. could cause hurt.. could cause hurt to ur soul..

it's a rather strange thing.. this state.. i mean i don't know of a person who would like to be tied-up.. i don't know of someone who would seek confinement within boundaries.. yet people do it every day.. more and more couples r announced everyday.. more and more boys and girls fall in love everyday.. yes, falling in love is a commitment.. and the more strong and deep ur love is, the more committed u get.. so what is commitment?.. faith, loyalty, devotion, burden, warrant, agreement, dedication, trust, duty, obligation, pressure, sacrifice, sincerity.. these r all parts of it.. a so much complicated feeling (or step) to have in ur life.. but we do it.. whether being a fool or a genious to choose it ain't really the 1 million dollar question.. it's whether we can keep holding to it.. that's the real test..

no one is anti-commitment.. i thought i was for a while, but then i realized it's not that i hate the idea.. it's that i can't apply it.. i mean i'm the kinda guy who's committed to himself.. to the extreme of being selfish sometimes (actually a lot of times).. what i was resisting actually was the notion of committing myself to someone.. to a partner.. sounded so lousy.. i mean yeah i'm a team player but if i start my own business i don't want partners.. i can't handle partners.. same applied to love.. yeah i had a couple of stories or more.. but come to think of it now, they were nothing.. cuz i wasn't committed.. in reality (the one i didn't see back then), i was always single..

now, i'm not.. i have a partner.. and yes i love her more than words can say.. but am i really committing myself to her?.. i know that she's the one i wanna continue my life with.. i know she's the one i wanna grow old with.. i know she's the one i wanna have till i die.. but still, am i committed to her?.. it might sound strange that i'm stating all this and still wondering about commitment.. but it ain't strange at all.. people can live together a lifetime and not be committed.. cuz commitment doesn't just involve desiring the one u love, it's all about desiring no one else.. and if that happens, u just seize seeing the confinement it initially creates.. it starts out being a heavy alerting load on ur soul.. u feel like ur world is shrinking.. and u feel tied-up.. but when u finally reach a certain level.. a certain phase.. where u r willing (in an affirmative and deliberate sense) ready to indefinitely commit uself to that someone, u don't feel the burden no more.. ur world returns to its normal size.. and again u feel free..

human beings r all about control.. and commitment is always falsely portrayed as lose of control.. although it's actually the peak of self control.. i can't think of a more solid and convincing example of being in control more powerful than making the choice and taking the decision to commit to someone, and actually doing so...

now, why did i title this hurtommitted?..
well.....

0101010101010101

zeros and ones.. we r living in the age of zeros and ones.. it's all about computerizing everything.. on a bigger scale, it's all about making everything automatic.. gear shifting in cars, macros in software, 'remember me' in log on screens over the internet.. but it's affecting our lives.. our human, supposably emotional, life.. answering machines and voice mail.. IDs, credit cards, and e-cards.. i mean can u imagine ur life now without mobiles, ATMs, or emails.. that's gonna be hard for those of u who actually just tried to imagine it, and i'm guessing they r few cuz most would refuse the idea from first glance..

i was talking the other day with my gf about romeo and juliet and how if they had mobiles it would have been so hard for shakespeare to just kill them both at the end without making them look like complete idiots.. romeo could have got one of those pre-paid deals and kept smsing juliet night and day.. or maybe they could have met online at night to chat and send winks for each other.. (shakespeare might have ended the relation then by having juliet block romeo and delete him from her list)..

all i'm saying is that life has changed.. or... well, life has changed ain't exactly the expression i'm looking for.. aside from being a cliche, it's really an under-statement.. it's all mixed up, shuffled, scrambled, and much more cluttered.. yeah, it's cluttered.. u might think that automation made things easy, but i say it just got harder.. u might think that computerization made things simple, but i say it just got complex.. the more we systemize eveything in an automatic, electricity-dependent sense, the more we take it out of human context.. the more we get further from the truth of our being.. the more we just cancel emotions...

it's just against freedom.. not the 'i can do whatever i want' freedom, but rather the 'i can be a human being freedom'.. the 'i can make stupid mistakes', the 'i can just froget about stuff', the 'i can be late, lazy or foolish' freedom.. that freedom is taken away from us.. not that we can't do all this anymore, but it's that we r not really expected to.. in such a world of spelling-checkers, a typo is not expected.. so not allowed.. so we'll be punished if we do it.. so we can't do it.. the liberty of miss-spelling is slowly going extinct..

i work in the IT field.. been working with computers ever since they had 2 floppy disk drives, the 5 inch soft single density standard.. and i discovered the impact of that.. just recently i did.. i treat people as if they were computers.. hell, i treat myself as if i was one!!.. and i can tell u, it ain't easy at all.. why.. cuz when it comes to code, it has to be flawless.. and we r not.. cuz when it comes to hardware, it has to precise.. and we r not.. cuz in the world of computers, there's always the chance to upgrade to a better version (or if u're using windows, simply a 'restart' would do).. we don't have that..

we r human beings, and we will remain human beings.. no matter how advanced we get.. no matter what we discover and invent.. we'll always be human beings.. and before we start asking people to be true or honest or to drop their masks, let's first ask them to be human.. maybe then we'll have a chance..

QUEST-SHUNS

WHAT HAPPENS TO US WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE...
WHAT GETS OVER US..
HOW CAN A DROP OF WATER BE A WHOLE OCEAN..
HOW COME IT CAN SET US IN MOTION..
HOW DO WE BECOME LOVERS..
WHAT DO WE GAIN..
WHAT IS CREATED INSIDE OF US..
AND WHAT DO WE LOSE..
WHAT IS ERASED FROM US..
HOW COME WE CARE TO GIVE AND DON'T CARE TO RECEIVE..
HOW DO WE BECOME CHILDREN AGAIN, INNOCENT AND NAIVE..
IS LOVE THE ONLY POWER THAT CAN DEFEAT..
IS IT THE POWER THAT GETS US DOWN TO OUR KNEES..
HOW CAN WE BECOME PRISONERS AFTER WE WERE CONQUERERS..
WHAT TURNS US AROUND..
WHAT LIFTS US HIGH ABOVE THE GROUND..
WHAT BREAKS..
WHAT ACHES..
HOW CAN A MOMENT OF LOVE SEEM TO US LIKE YEARS..
HOW CAN A SIMPLE WORD HAVE A LOT OF MEANING..
HOW CAN IT BE SO GREAT TO MAKE OUR HEART BEAT THAT LOUD..
IF LOVE IS A FORCE THAT CAN BEAT, HOW CAN IT BE SO SWEET..
HOW CAN IT CONTROL US THAT MUCH..
HOW CAN WE BE SET ON FIRE WITH JUST A TOUCH..
HOW CAN WE ENJOY A COMPLETE SILENCE..
HOW CAN THINGS BECOME SO CRYSTAL CLEAR, YET BE SO CONFUSING..
WHY CAN'T WE DECIDE WHETHER IT'S SWEET OR SOUR..
WHAT BLURS OUR VISION..
AND HOW DOES IT TURN INTO OBSESSION..
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HELL AND HEAVEN...

I'VE GOT A LOT INSIDE..
BUT EVEN WHEN I YELL..
I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF..

somewhere i belong...

i went for a walk today..

didn't really intend to, but found that i needed to kill about 15 minutes of time, so i took a walk... i was waiting for that silver shop, where i had some pieces being fixed at, to re-open after the prayer.. that's why i needed to kill time.. i was lucky enough to find a parking space near the shop and was not willing to give it up... plus i wasn't gonna sit in the car and wait.. so i thought i'd go for a walk around the area...

it was crowded.. it was sunset time, so everyone was out... some to buy stuff, some to go out of the confinement of their four-walled houses, some to get a breathe of fresh air, and some for absolutely no apparent reason (i guess i'm included in the last group!)... it's a shopping area, in the heart of heliopolis, where it's so famous for its abundance of jewelery shops (making the public mainly ladies).. at every corner u'd find a place for refreshments, whether a traditional coffee place 'ahwa' or a more sophisticated outlet for juice and ice-cream..

since i belonged to the no-apparent-reason group and i ain't particularly interested in jewelery, all i did was observe the people.. mainly their facial expressions... for me, it was like a movie scene where i hit the mute button... ladies who stop at every single jewelery shop to check the display (what's funny is that almost all of them had already too much jewelery on, which makes u wonder why the hell they want more, guess it's the female affinity for the 'bling bling').. there were alot of couples too.. going for the engagement ring i suppose, or at least hoping for it... some guy groups walking around checking out the ladies, which is a normal scene in egyptian streets nowadays as they can't think of anything else to do.. shop owners were practicing this tradition of having a small stole infront of their shops where they sit and occasionally get up to serve a passer-by customer..

it went on for 10 minutes and i was fed up!!... people r so dull... believe it or not, but they all had the same dull range of expressions on their faces.. from a frown to complete anger.. it was so dull... i didn't see a single smile.. instead i saw burdened faces.. everybody's walking with a thousand question marks jumping around over their heads... u can't see a glimpse of fulfillment, satisfaction, or enjoyment.. it was just so dull..

anyway finally the lady re-opened the shop and i got my stuff.. but as i was driving back home, i was thinking, 'man, i definitely don't belong here'..

i ain't trouble-free.. i have my share of bull-shit.. but at least i am still living.. those people i saw, they r dead.. definitely dead..

c'mon... life's unfair... so deal with it... duh!!

2005

good morning...

what a beautiful morning this is.. it's a friday.. the ninth day in the ninth month of the year 2005.. yeah, the year 2005.. what a year!!.. i mean i was born on 1977 and i've lived through alot of 19 somethings, and only a handful of 20 somethings.. but this one, 2005, is absolutely the most important.. the one with the most effect on me.. u know, among other things, it's events that shape ones life.. but we often remember them as events not as dates.. like someone saying, 'a milestone in my life was my graduation,' or maybe 'the turning point of my life was my first job.'... sometimes we remember the event first, then we might associated it with a date.. 'the milestone of my life was my graduation from college which was 1999,' or 'the turning point of my life was my first job which started 1998.'... and i personally have a bunch of those as well.. those events that left a mark in my life and i always remember them along with their dates.. but with 2005, it's a different story.. the year itself is the milestone.. the year itself is a turning point in my life.. yeah it's events after all, but having too many, too big in the same year would give the year the lead i guess.. ok, i'll be more presice.. so far, the first 9 months of 2005 have been like the most important in my life... (we don't usually count the 9 month before we're born when we're still in the womb, which is a pity really cuz that's when we started existing, it's not coming out from in there to this world that counts!!)..

the thing is, it ain't finished yet.. and i have every reason to believe that in the coming few months, 2005 will still behave the same way.. being a year to remember.. a year that would have all the impact on my future.. a year which will set the pace for the rest of my life.. a year where i got to discover alot.. about people and aboput myself.. a year when i first started seeing things in a different way... a year when i stopped being lonesome.. a year when i felt the sense of purpose.. a year when i know i finally belong... a year that made all previous years make sense.. a year where i didn't just know that i have all pieces of the puzzle, but when i actually put them together.. a year where i saw the whole picture for the first time... a year that gave me a thrill to want to continue on living.. a year that......

i'll just go have my coffee and a smoke...

the lucky bastard i used to be...

so, i was asking myself... am i still the lucky bastard i used to be?... and before i take time to figure out an answer, it hit me... so i went down and took my car, a VW Polo 1.0, for a spin... i thought why just answer it when i can put it to the test...

i went for a spin along the ring road.. windows rolled-down.. hard rock music blasting off my Sony X-plod sound system.. doing a trip around cairo along the ring road, which is about a good 90km... but that's no highway as in western civilized definitions.. it's an uneven, bumpy, sometimes-2-laner-sometimes-5-laner, ass-sweating, full-of-surprises road that is heavy with traffic... i was doing crazy maneuvers and stunt-like take-overs with speeds ranging from 80km/h to 140km/h...

and i came home in one piece...

guess i am still the lucky bastard i used to be after all :)

to all of u people out there..
wherever u r...
remember..
the light at the end of the tunnel..
maybe u..
goodnight...