Triple H

let me just say that it's good to be back.

now, about those triple Hs.. i won't leave u wondering, although if u know me or have read my writings before u'd know that that ain't my style.. but anyway, let's say that i'm still warming up after a long time of drifting along life's rough waves like a fishing boat in the atlantic.. ok, ok, i said i won't keep u wondering.. although it could be more interesting to let u guess what the 'H' stands for.. but i said i won't keep u wondering and i'm a man of my word.. 'H' stands for 'Happiness'..

Triple Happiness.. yes i mean it.. triple.. as in one, two, three.. Happiness with a triple effect.. let me explain..

have u ever wondered what the world would be like without love?.. and i'm talking about the hot romantic feeling, not the one Jesus would feel to a child!.. let me re-phrase.. what if there is no love between men and women, although i bet they'd still have sex anyway.. to make it more personal, what if u don't feel love.. what if u don't experience it.. u don't find it.. or maybe, what if u just can't love.. u just don't have the capacity.. what if u CAN'T love.. before u say, 'well, everyone CAN love, they just need to be stimulated'.. let me continue, 'or find the right person, at the right time, in the right place'.. ok, but what about that time when u feel u can't, although u can.. what about that time when u don't trust ur capacity, although u should.. what about that time when u start to believe that u're the exception of the rule, although u ain't.. that's what i'm talking about, and that's what i experienced at an earlier period of my time on this endangered planet.. i'm not gonna dwell on that now, i just want u to imagine my Happiness (H #1) to know, and be certain of, the fact that i CAN love.. so much..

let's wonder about something else.. did it cross ur mind just now that it's not really important to be able to love if u don't have someone to do it with.. what's good in having an ability that u can't use.. well, personally, i didn't experience that but i guess it would be as alarming as not being able to love.. maybe even damaging.. deadly.. hurtful.. lethal.. just evil.. but again, i'm not gonna dwell on that either, i just wanted u to imagine the extent of my Happiness (H #2) having found my someone in this life..

now, enough wondering and let's talk facts.. the third H is my baby.. Heinz.. the best thing that ever happened to me.. my source of all Hs in the world.. Baby, u complete my Happiness.. u complete my life.. u complete me..

i luv u..

i

i look around.. there's no one there.. myself and i.. sharing a chair.. inhaling life.. exhaling air.. flesh vs. spirit.. who can compare.. one that is common.. and one so rare.. so basically simple.. but yet unfair.. i propose to write.. on a page so white.. myself in rage.. mad but polite.. denies me this.. but it's alright.. i'm used to that.. to sit and chat.. me and myself.. mortal combat.. i start with a word.. that ain't too long.. it's just 1 letter.. but yet so strong.. i start with 'i'.. it sounds so dry.. myself takes over.. with no reply.. i just go on.. wondering who won.. not knowing that.. myself has gone.. so far away.. with no delay.. to be with her.. to play.. to stay.. to pray.. to sway.. that's how it is... every single day.. a pure transfer.. my soul with her.. who can compare..

i stay as 'i'.. 1 word.. 1 letter.. 1 sigh..

a journey on hold..

he was walking in the street.. there were people around.. some going in the same direction.. some in the opposite.. some going fast.. some going slow.. some standing still.. too many people going everywhere, but he felt alone.. he was alone.. no companion along his journey.. not that he wanted it this way.. but that's how it was.. and he was ok about it.. so he was going on his own way.. with his own pace.. to his own goal.. and it was good..

he collided with her.. along the way, they just bumped into each other.. he hit people before.. and he always went on his way.. but this time it was different.. she went along with him.. this also happened before.. people would sometimes be going his way.. but she was different.. this time it was different.. she was going on her own way.. with her own pace.. to her own goal.. but it just happened that it's the same way he's going.. with the same pace.. to the same goal.. or at least that's how it seemed..

they walked together.. hand in hand.. like one.. but again that's only a figure of speech.. they can't be one.. it's virtually impossible..

then came the moment where they faced a crossroad.. they thought they're going to the same goal.. and yes they are.. but each wants to go there in their own way... but it's a crossroad.. and they have to decide.. which way to go.. cuz even though they're both going to the same goal, they need to decide which way to go.. or else, they will separate.. each going on alone again.. yeah they'd eventually meet again.. but who knows, it might be too late..

he wants her to go along.. but he wants her to want it too.. he will not force her or trick her.. but how can he do it.. how can he make her want it.. he thought he was that close to her.. that he can actually create thoughts for her.. that he can influence her heart beats.. or take her breath away.. but he realized he can't.. no matter how close he gets to her.. no matter how much he wants her.. no one, just no one can have that kind of effect on someone..

he will go on.. yes he will.. and she will too.. and they will both reach their common goal.. they are that strong.. but will it matter?..

nothing.. nothing they can do would ever turn back time.. time will go on.. it always does..

Out of 's'-p-'l'-ace...

am i out of place or out of space?.. or both?..

out of place - do not belong to where i'm at.
out of place - can't find a place to belong to.
out of place - put in a place i don't wanna be in.
out of place - can't find the place i desire.

out of space - can't find more room.
out of space - an alien.

both - having this crushing, shoulder-loading feeling that i want and need to belong but can't cuz of elements beyond my control that i wish to change and am working hard to change but to no availe.

if you think u know who u r, u have no idea.

hurtommitted?

no it doesn't mean committed to hurt.. i'm just exploring whether commitment could hurt.. could cause hurt.. could cause hurt to ur soul..

it's a rather strange thing.. this state.. i mean i don't know of a person who would like to be tied-up.. i don't know of someone who would seek confinement within boundaries.. yet people do it every day.. more and more couples r announced everyday.. more and more boys and girls fall in love everyday.. yes, falling in love is a commitment.. and the more strong and deep ur love is, the more committed u get.. so what is commitment?.. faith, loyalty, devotion, burden, warrant, agreement, dedication, trust, duty, obligation, pressure, sacrifice, sincerity.. these r all parts of it.. a so much complicated feeling (or step) to have in ur life.. but we do it.. whether being a fool or a genious to choose it ain't really the 1 million dollar question.. it's whether we can keep holding to it.. that's the real test..

no one is anti-commitment.. i thought i was for a while, but then i realized it's not that i hate the idea.. it's that i can't apply it.. i mean i'm the kinda guy who's committed to himself.. to the extreme of being selfish sometimes (actually a lot of times).. what i was resisting actually was the notion of committing myself to someone.. to a partner.. sounded so lousy.. i mean yeah i'm a team player but if i start my own business i don't want partners.. i can't handle partners.. same applied to love.. yeah i had a couple of stories or more.. but come to think of it now, they were nothing.. cuz i wasn't committed.. in reality (the one i didn't see back then), i was always single..

now, i'm not.. i have a partner.. and yes i love her more than words can say.. but am i really committing myself to her?.. i know that she's the one i wanna continue my life with.. i know she's the one i wanna grow old with.. i know she's the one i wanna have till i die.. but still, am i committed to her?.. it might sound strange that i'm stating all this and still wondering about commitment.. but it ain't strange at all.. people can live together a lifetime and not be committed.. cuz commitment doesn't just involve desiring the one u love, it's all about desiring no one else.. and if that happens, u just seize seeing the confinement it initially creates.. it starts out being a heavy alerting load on ur soul.. u feel like ur world is shrinking.. and u feel tied-up.. but when u finally reach a certain level.. a certain phase.. where u r willing (in an affirmative and deliberate sense) ready to indefinitely commit uself to that someone, u don't feel the burden no more.. ur world returns to its normal size.. and again u feel free..

human beings r all about control.. and commitment is always falsely portrayed as lose of control.. although it's actually the peak of self control.. i can't think of a more solid and convincing example of being in control more powerful than making the choice and taking the decision to commit to someone, and actually doing so...

now, why did i title this hurtommitted?..
well.....