27 April 2005

discrepancy ...

i love .. not because i want to.. but because i can't help but do so.. i don't fight it .. and won't .. but i also hate .. because i can't help it as well... i love to explore and experience.. but i hate the obligation it sometimes brings… it might come as a surprise since i use that word a lot, but i hate to feel hate .. it's truly just the extravagant person i am.. i take the slaps and the fuck-you’s.. but i can also give them out .. we drift, and a few people will assume these words are about them, but who's to think such things? who's capable of embracing contradicting feelings and be ok with it? .. u? .. u?.. maybe u? .. but where r all of u when my nights are winding down? .. where r u when my thoughts are wounded? .. me, i'm here .. always have been and always will be .. but do i even want u near?.. i just want to miss, skip, or fast-forward the rehearsals and get to the show cuz that's where i feel real.. i hate that i have to hold back because people can't comfortably consume the truth.. but i love that i can spill out the truth without worry .. i just don't care.. truth is beauty, but is so often misunderstood and too often fought.. u may love it as well, but i think everybody hates it when it's the truth about themselves.. i want to touch a bare back without getting my fingers cut.. i want to lick lips that have no arsenic.. i want to practice it and then feel the same way i thought it would be like... i want to release myself into a dark, unknown, and ignorant corridor and still see.. but the doubt remains that no one would get it, nor appreciate it, nor take it for what it is, nor understand my feelings about it, nor kiss my cheek and rub my back without thinking where it's gonna get them..

i want to love without thought, since i hate without thought.. i want to know that i can hold a face in my hands without having to worry about pulling a bullshit, miss-matched mask.. i want to tickle a neck without having to calm a heart, but i also want to calm a heart with just a tickle on the neck.. i hate contradictions just as much as i love them.. i want to push back and fight.. i want to see eyes for what they are; windows to the soul.. i hate typical and i love direct contact without nervousness and pre-determined social tendencies.. i love to live.. but it's too bad most won't stand beside me.. there are no moves that are wrong unless you make up rules.. i hate rules.. why worry about what this will mean and what that will mean.. what life are u living?.. is this world so restricted?.. can't we just abrupt?.. can't we cut through people revealing their most inner freedom?.. can't seeing eye-to-eye just be?.. what would the truth hurt when there are no social pursuits to consider?.. truth shouldn't have to be fought all through.. go with the excitement of what u know, not what u think.. try it just once.. lack of enthusiasm is man's excuse for dishonesty and the by-product of fear..

smile and see the beauty…
lick
ur lips cuz a kiss is coming through…

24 April 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

on this day ..
26 years ago ..
the most wonderful thing in my life happened ..
and i would like to thank Zahzahan and Nabil for it ...

THANK YOU


PS.
and thanx Rome ;)

22 April 2005

all things being '=' ..

i was reading through my little sis blog and i came across a post titled 'all things being equal', where she was debating the use of 'that' phrase .. she had this conclusion that it's to be used to make sentences longer .. kinda like how i used the word 'malheureusement' during my years of studying French :) .. although it means 'unfortunately', that didn't really stop me from using it in every paragraph :) …

so, i gave it a bit of my abstract, philosophical, conceptual, and oh-my-god-i’m-a-nut-case way of thinking ('it' referring to the 'all things being equal' phrase – i'm completely over that 'malheuresement' thing) .. and u know what .. i think the first one to ever use such a build-up was probably fed up with the humongous amount of variables in life that he (or she – although i guess it was a 'he', no offence ladies) wanted to turn them all into constants .. just like that, convert all variables into constants… that would definitely make life easier, i would say .. but again, maybe what he meant was keeping them as variables but equal in infinity .. yeah, what if all the variables in life r infact infinities .. u would be able to create ur own world then .. and i guess that would be both easier and much more fun ..

but malheuresement (ops!), that's just impossible .. we have to deal with all the variables in life often not knowing, or even having the slightest clue, what life's gonna throw at us .. yes, the proper knowledge would help, and some experience to go with it is certainly a plus, but again malheuresement (wops!!) not even Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes, the Monk, or even inspector Clouseau would have an edge in understanding life ..

so what should we do .. how about if we just enjoy every single bit of it… we should just take it as a whole package and enjoy it .. the secret would, then, lie within the saying 'life is not about having what u want, but rather wanting what u have' … malheuresement (ok!!!), not enough people believe in that …

so everybody, go out there and eventually, the rhythm is gonna get u .. i mean eventually u'll enjoy .... :))

PS.
guess i'm not over that malheuresement thing after all, uuuhhhhhh ….

20 April 2005

craving u ...

so it's a crave.. definitely a crave ... so deep and so intense ... i guess it was like initiated by the place we went to .. it's this fantastic place that we tried for the first time in zamalek and it was incredible .. amazingly incredible .. out of this world actually ('this world' referring to the crude, under-styled, unsophisticated country i'm living in).. so, it started right there .. what started? .. well, a crave .. and as i said, what kicked it off was the place...but there had to be something else to keep it going on .. a different source of inspiration ... something to get me going on .. and that something was u ..

i didn't realize it at first .. i mean, yeah u give me inspiration and u can't seem to stop amazing me every single day .. but that wasn't it .. it was a new emotion to be added to the marvelous mixture mingling inside of me since i met u .. it was a crave ...

so how do u do that? .. and how do i respond to it so effortlessly? … sometimes i sit back and wonder, "what is it that intrigues me about u? .. what r the things responsible for firing up such a genuine response within me?" … so i actually started filling up a list .. i called it "The Little Things that Get Me Started’ ..

The Little Things that Get Me Started
how u talk fast and switch from topic to topic when u're hyper ..
how u improvise and order something that is not on the menu ..
how u hold my hand to reassure me when i'm feeling heavy ..
how u share my silence ..
how u get reluctant to go up when i drive u home ..
how u get stubborn and hold on to ur words when i interrupt u ..
how caressing u try to be running ur fingers through my hair ..
how u love my car ..
how u look at me with those big brown eyes ..
how u respond to my wink ..
how u sometimes read me part of ur diary ..
how u come to me for advice ..
how u always try to surprise me knowing that i love it ..
how u finish up my clorets ..
how u enjoy it when i speed up and go crazy on the road ..
how u look wearing ur glasses when we're at the movies ..
how u take a while to remember to unlock my car door ..
how u occasionally smell ur food before eating it ..

but as i went on .. i realized something .. there ain’t no list big enough to hold all the things i adore about u .. and btw, the list i was working on was only for the little stuff ;) ..

I CRAVE U

15 April 2005

last night ...

what a night! … what a sleep! … how can i wake up in the morning with such a feeling … a feeling of total satisfaction … like last night was my past .. all of it .. and i didn't really miss anything .. like i've achieved everything i ever wanted … and if i had the chance of going back, i won't change a single thing .. absolute gratitude and appreciation for my past .. it's fulfillment .. yes it's a feeling of fulfillment .. supreme and utter fulfillment … from the moment i opened up my eyes, it hit me … this is not just waking up from sleep .. it's a combination of deep relief and total liberation .. no worries what so ever … that's what they call 'peace of mind' i guess .. yeah, it's that .. peace of mind .. a state of mental tranquility that overwhelms ur brains and clears all the turmoil u accumulate by time … more like the refining effect of running tears in
ur eyes ...

i just missed what happened with stupid cupid .. and would very much like to know what happened .. maybe time will tell ...

i just loved last night ...
--<<--@

11 April 2005

heavenly tears ..

oh, ur tears .. how magnificent they were .. how they slowly formed behind ur eyelids and gave ur eyes that unmistakable magical sparkle .. ur eyelids spread the very first drop of tear evenly across ur eye .. but little by little that stream of moist kept flowing until it was too heavy for ur eyelashes to hold them in .. they outlined into a shape of a drop and then were released ... so free and serene .. unrestricted and unobstructed .. totally at liberty, they surrendered to gravity that gently carryed them in a downstream over to ur cheeks ...
and right into my heart ...

i can't believe most of us would just end their journey with a wipe!

08 April 2005

JAIL ..

a woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.. she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.. she finds him sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, and he appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.. she watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"what's the matter dear?" .. she whispers as she steps into the room.. "why are you sitting down here this time of the night?" .. the husband looks up and says, "do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating?".. "yes, I do" she replies.. the husband paused, the words were not coming easily.. "do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".. "yes I remember" said the wife lowering herself into a chair beside him.. the husband continued, "do you remember when he threatened me and told me to either marry you or he'll send me to jail for 20 years." ..." yes I remember that too" she whispered softly.

he wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"i would be getting out today"! ...

05 April 2005

a short story ...

(A short story by Leo Tolstoy - abridged)

One day, there was an emperor who had three questions he wished he knew the answer to.

What is the best time to do each thing?
Who are the most important people to work with?
What is the most important thing to do?

The emperor issued a decree throughout his kingdom announcing that whoever could answer the questions would receive a great reward. Many who read the decree made their way to the palace at once, each person with a different answer.

In reply to the first question, one person advised that the emperor make up a thorough time schedule. But the emperor was not convinced as it was impossible to plan in advance for everything in the future. Someone else suggested said that the emperor should set up a council of wise men and then to act according to their advice. Another adviced him to consult magicians and fortune-tellers. But again the emperor was not convinced.

Responses to the second question also lacked sense. One person said that the emperor needed to place all his trust in his administrators, another urged reliance on priests and monks, while others recommended physicians. Still others put their faith in warriors. But the emperor was not convinced either.

The third question drew a similar variety of answers. Some said science was the most important pursuit. Others insisted on religion. Yet others claimed the most important thing was military skill.

After hearing all these answers, not a single one convinced the emperor, and he decided that no reward was to be given to anyone.

After several nights, the emperor heard of an old wise man who lived up on the mountain and was said to be very enlightened. The emperor wished to find the answer to his three questions, so he decided to go and visit the old wise man.

It was known that the old wise man welcomes only the poor, refusing to have anything to do with wealthy people. So the emperor disguised himself as a simple peasant and ordered his guards to wait for him at the foot of the mountain while he climbed up the slope alone to meet the old wise man.

Reaching the top, the emperor found the old wise man digging a garden in front of his hut. When the old wise man saw the stranger, he nodded his head in greeting and continued to dig. The labor was obviously hard on him but he was working hard.

The emperor approached him and said, "I have come here to ask your help with three questions: When is the best time to do each thing? Who are the most important people to work with? What is the most important thing to do?" The wise man listened but only patted the emperor on the shoulder and continued digging. The emperor said, "You must be tired. Here, let me give you a hand with that." The wise man agreed and thanked him, and then sat down on the ground to rest.

After an hour, the emperor stopped and turned to the wise man and repeated his three questions. The wise man still did not answer, but instead stood up and said, "Why don't you rest now? I can take over again." But the emperor refused and continued to dig. Another hour passed, then two. Finally the sun began to set behind the mountain. The emperor said to the old wise man, "I came here to ask if you could answer my three questions. But if you can't give me any answer, please let me know so that I can get on may way home."

The wise man lifted his head and asked the emperor, "Do you see someone running over there?" The emperor turned his head and they both saw a man emerge from the woods. He ran towards them pressing his hands against a bloody wound in his stomach. The man ran toward the emperor before falling unconscious to the ground. The emperor cleaned the wound and used his own shirt to bandage it until the flow of blood had stopped.

Meanwhile, the sun had disappeared and the night air had begun to turn cold. The old wise man gave the emperor a hand in carrying the wounded man into the hut where they laid him down. The wounded man closed his eyes and fell to sleep. The emperor was worn out from the long day of climbing the mountain and digging the garden that he too fell asleep.

When he woke up, he looked over to the bed and saw the wounded man looking around him in confusion. When the wounded man saw the emperor, he stared at him and then said in a faint whisper, "Please forgive me."

"But what have you done that I should forgive you?" the emperor asked.

"You do not know me, your majesty, but I know you. I was your enemy and during the last war you killed my family and seized my property and I had vowed to take revenge. When I learned that you were coming alone to the mountain to meet the old wise man, I wanted to kill you on your way back. But after waiting a long time at the foot of the mountain there was still no sign of you, so I left my hiding place to look for you. But instead of finding you, I came across your guards, who recognized me, and gave me this wound. Luckily, I escaped and ran here. If I hadn't met you I would surely be dead by now. I had intended to kill you, but instead you saved my life! I am ashamed and grateful and if I live, I vow to be your servant for the rest of my life."

The emperor was moved by the story of the wounded man that he not only forgave the man but promised to return all his property and to send his own physician to serve the man until he was completely healed. After ordering his guards to take the wounded man home, the emperor returned to the old wise man and repeated his three questions one last time. The old wise man looked at the emperorand said, "but your questions have already been answered your majesty."

"How's that?" the emperor asked.

"Yesterday, if you had not taken pity on my age and given me a hand with the digging, you would have been attacked by that man on your way home. Therefore the most important time was the time you took the decision to dig in my garden, the most important person was myself, and the most important pursuit was to help me. Later, when the wounded man ran up here, the most important time was the time you decided to clean the man's wound. Likewise, he was the most important person, and the most important pursuit was taking care of him."

The emperor was still puzzeled so the old wise man added, "Always remember that the best time to do anything is 'Now'. The present moment is the only time over which you have control. The most important person is always the person sharing the present moment with you, for who knows if you will ever be with any other person in the future. And the most important thing to do is to make that person who's sharing the present with you, happy, for that alone is the way to enjoy life."


well ...
here is a questions that i would like someone to answer ...

What if, the 'Now' is so lonely and the most important person is not there with you to share the present and you just have no means of making her happy?


I MISS U
--<<--@