me..
i'm the one among you..
who have suffered but not complained..
who felt the pain but did not cry..
who had his heart beat up and bruised from agony but never lost faith..
yeah, me..
i'm the one among you..
who didn't give up..
who was not defeated..
who had enough will and gut to carry on..
but what does that make me?
a hero..
a champ..
an idol..
or just a man..
a man who suffers every single day..
a man who takes the brutal beating of life every single day..
a man torn with pain knowing that if he lives for tomorrow, it's just to feel the pain again..
every damn single mother fuckin day..
yeah that's me..
that's more like it..
that's the filthy bitter truth..
there ain't no heros in this kinda life..
only men torn by the bloodthirsty animal-like life, who don't have the luxury of getting killed..
me..
28 September 2007
06 May 2007
to me or not to me.. (it ain't really a question)
me:
it's like a wild time of the year for me.. well, not really wild.. and maybe not particularly this part of the year.. well i'm just trying to express raw feelings here.. got nothing prepared.. so, a wild time of the year.. but it's just the start of may.. so by saying 'year' i'm actually referring to the 4 months that have already passed.. i ain't gonna speculate about the coming months.. not cuz i don't have enough imagination but actually cuz it seems like i don't care.. not like i don't care i don't care, but really, what's more important, the now we have or the future we know nothing about?.. and right here is the wild part actually.. cuz that's not how i used to think some time back..
my other me (yeah, it's part of my many contradictions):
hhmmm, sounds really confusing.. don't quite get it.. what exactly r u trying to say..
me:
ok ok, let me start over.. to a man who always thought 1 step ahead, the past couple of weeks have been totally unplanned.. i mean, i didn't think ahead.. i didn't feel like wanting to.. i was just living the moment and surprisingly i wasn't stuck like i always used to think i would be.. u know that i'm in a period in my life where i need to take decisive action, but somehow i was comfortable not to think about moments further on my timeline than the moment i'm actually in.. and u know what, it did clear my mind.. it somehow made me ready to do.. as if my mind was a bowling ally with the pins all scattered and then this sweeping machine clears everything and resets the pins getting ready for a 'strike' (or at least a 'spare' i hope)..
my other me:
so u're giving up thinking about the future?
me:
no.. not really..
my other me:
????
me:
balance.. 'right now' is just as important as the 'near future', some might even say more important, but let's just keep it at that.. a balance between the now and the next.. between living my life and wishing for a better one.. everybody thinks about the future at some point.. but i let it be an obsession.. it's just that life ain't played like that.. yeah, life is a big game.. big big game, where u only have 1 life and u gotta figure the rules out urself (which is theoretically unfair).. so why obsess about making plans when u really don't know all the rules of the game.. life is a game.. a game that no one ever mastered, hell, almost all of us are still on level 1.. and as u go along, u discover the rules.. rules u haven't heard of before.. rules that don't necessarily appeal to u.. rules that just make the game harder and harder.. not just that, but some of the rules actually change along the way.. and to fuck it all up for ya, rules that r actually kept secret though they can cost u the only life u have.. so, the only way to survive this game is to actually live it.. have ideas and think ahead all u want but u just gotta live it..
it's like a wild time of the year for me.. well, not really wild.. and maybe not particularly this part of the year.. well i'm just trying to express raw feelings here.. got nothing prepared.. so, a wild time of the year.. but it's just the start of may.. so by saying 'year' i'm actually referring to the 4 months that have already passed.. i ain't gonna speculate about the coming months.. not cuz i don't have enough imagination but actually cuz it seems like i don't care.. not like i don't care i don't care, but really, what's more important, the now we have or the future we know nothing about?.. and right here is the wild part actually.. cuz that's not how i used to think some time back..
my other me (yeah, it's part of my many contradictions):
hhmmm, sounds really confusing.. don't quite get it.. what exactly r u trying to say..
me:
ok ok, let me start over.. to a man who always thought 1 step ahead, the past couple of weeks have been totally unplanned.. i mean, i didn't think ahead.. i didn't feel like wanting to.. i was just living the moment and surprisingly i wasn't stuck like i always used to think i would be.. u know that i'm in a period in my life where i need to take decisive action, but somehow i was comfortable not to think about moments further on my timeline than the moment i'm actually in.. and u know what, it did clear my mind.. it somehow made me ready to do.. as if my mind was a bowling ally with the pins all scattered and then this sweeping machine clears everything and resets the pins getting ready for a 'strike' (or at least a 'spare' i hope)..
my other me:
so u're giving up thinking about the future?
me:
no.. not really..
my other me:
????
me:
balance.. 'right now' is just as important as the 'near future', some might even say more important, but let's just keep it at that.. a balance between the now and the next.. between living my life and wishing for a better one.. everybody thinks about the future at some point.. but i let it be an obsession.. it's just that life ain't played like that.. yeah, life is a big game.. big big game, where u only have 1 life and u gotta figure the rules out urself (which is theoretically unfair).. so why obsess about making plans when u really don't know all the rules of the game.. life is a game.. a game that no one ever mastered, hell, almost all of us are still on level 1.. and as u go along, u discover the rules.. rules u haven't heard of before.. rules that don't necessarily appeal to u.. rules that just make the game harder and harder.. not just that, but some of the rules actually change along the way.. and to fuck it all up for ya, rules that r actually kept secret though they can cost u the only life u have.. so, the only way to survive this game is to actually live it.. have ideas and think ahead all u want but u just gotta live it..
23 April 2007
i must do something to change my life.. but what?
something is trying to speak to me.. i donno what it is.. but it's been trying to speak to me for a while now.. i kept ignoring it but it kept on trying and trying.. i didn't understand at first.. didn't know it was trying to speak to me.. i thought it's gonna get me down (like everything else in my life right now).. but it was only trying to speak to me.. and when i came aware of that, i let it..
i already had some ideas of what it was tying to tell me.. i had these ideas accumulating for a while now.. but i always get to a point where it's like i'm hitting a brick wall.. right now, right at this moment, i'm at the point where i realize that i MUST do something to change my life..
but this is where i get stuck.. it feels like my mind goes blank every time i reach this point of self-exploration.. i feel that i could go in many different directions, but i don't know which to choose, so i remain where i am.. stuck, angry, frustrated.. and immobilized.. and knowing that i'm the only one responsible to change it all, i'm feeling extremely pressured.. overwhelmed that i don't know where to start..
i'm presently in a relationship in which i'm happy.. but i feel the fear of 'losing' that as well.. and that too is creating yet great anxiety for me.. i think i'm sabotaging this relationship cuz i don't feel worthy of this good thing.. i need to be more balanced and self-tolerating..
i often feel undergrounded and unsure of my place in this world.. my nervous system is feeling shot down right now and is in desperate need of support.. my mental discipline is offset with helplessness..
so i listened to it.. hearing what it had to say..
'u need to understand more completely and clearly that u CAN heal urself.. u need to be able to know that u can take care of urself in whatever situation.. this needs to be developed and it can be developed if u get it in touch with.. just lose interest in judging urself all the time and get in touch with this reality.. we all know the importance of feeling good, but we just tend to forget about it.. we r almost always busy dealing with the "important stuff", but we forget that the most important thing is to feel good and live a stress-free life.. create a switch and turn it on.. cancel all ur previous negative emotions.. don't wait until ur negative emotions get big and dominate ur thoughts.. pretend to see hope, if that's what it takes, cuz it's not about seeing it clearly, it's about feeling it strongly in ur gut..'
and to it, whatever it may be, i say..
'dear guardian angel.. my heart is heavy with hurt, anger and guilt.. i ask ur help and guidance.. help me understand me better.. guide me past my pride, fear, wounds, history, and ego.. make me express my appreciation with love and peace..'
it's just the matter of answering my 'what' question...
i already had some ideas of what it was tying to tell me.. i had these ideas accumulating for a while now.. but i always get to a point where it's like i'm hitting a brick wall.. right now, right at this moment, i'm at the point where i realize that i MUST do something to change my life..
but this is where i get stuck.. it feels like my mind goes blank every time i reach this point of self-exploration.. i feel that i could go in many different directions, but i don't know which to choose, so i remain where i am.. stuck, angry, frustrated.. and immobilized.. and knowing that i'm the only one responsible to change it all, i'm feeling extremely pressured.. overwhelmed that i don't know where to start..
i'm presently in a relationship in which i'm happy.. but i feel the fear of 'losing' that as well.. and that too is creating yet great anxiety for me.. i think i'm sabotaging this relationship cuz i don't feel worthy of this good thing.. i need to be more balanced and self-tolerating..
i often feel undergrounded and unsure of my place in this world.. my nervous system is feeling shot down right now and is in desperate need of support.. my mental discipline is offset with helplessness..
so i listened to it.. hearing what it had to say..
'u need to understand more completely and clearly that u CAN heal urself.. u need to be able to know that u can take care of urself in whatever situation.. this needs to be developed and it can be developed if u get it in touch with.. just lose interest in judging urself all the time and get in touch with this reality.. we all know the importance of feeling good, but we just tend to forget about it.. we r almost always busy dealing with the "important stuff", but we forget that the most important thing is to feel good and live a stress-free life.. create a switch and turn it on.. cancel all ur previous negative emotions.. don't wait until ur negative emotions get big and dominate ur thoughts.. pretend to see hope, if that's what it takes, cuz it's not about seeing it clearly, it's about feeling it strongly in ur gut..'
and to it, whatever it may be, i say..
'dear guardian angel.. my heart is heavy with hurt, anger and guilt.. i ask ur help and guidance.. help me understand me better.. guide me past my pride, fear, wounds, history, and ego.. make me express my appreciation with love and peace..'
it's just the matter of answering my 'what' question...