a sleepless night..

(1)
losing someone is terrible.. or at least that's what they say (personally, i've lost my normal share of people in live but i guess i'm living in denial).. and it's not about how u lost them really.. i mean, whether they get a job abroad and leave, or get hit by a bus traveling at 90km/h in the opposite direction of a 1 way street, or as a result of a break up, it's all the same conclusion, they're gone!!.. but u see, it's the who that matters.. the someone u lose, that's the whole issue.. we lose people we know everyday (cuz obviously, u can't lose strangers).. we lose people we already know.. and i'm not talking about the ones we meet one time and never see again.. no, not when a friend says, 'hi, i'd like u to meet my friend blablabla' and we shake hands having the 'nice to meet u' smile on our faces.. we don't lose those.. so who do we lose?.. we only lose the close ones.. the important ones.. ironic, isn't it?.. and the closer and more important they are, the more terrible it is to lose them..

(2)
basically, all human beings seek happiness.. it's our no.1 goal in life.. if u strip any goal we try to achieve in life to it's basics, u'll always find that it for happiness.. we live to be happy.. everything we do, is ultimately to make us feel happy.. and so, we fall in love to be happy.. 'love' and 'happy' are 2 words that are really easy to include in a sentence(on the contrary, think of 'love' and 'murder' for instance).. i think it's common that the first word that would pop up in anyone's mind as soon as they hear the word 'happy' is the word 'love'.. but it doesn't really make sense.. i mean, love doesn't equal happiness.. ok, i'm not saying that it equals sadness either, but it's a 50 50 chance.. 'graduation' or 'alot of money' would be more fitting with 'happiness' i guess.. i mean, we fall in love and there's just the same chance we would be happy or sad.. the greatest love story of mankind ends with both lovers dead!!.. still, people seek happiness and they mistake love as a synonymous for happiness.. as a result, divorce rates are doubling by the year..

(3)
when we don't have any guarantees, how can we choose?.. when nothing is certain and all is probable, how do we choose?.. is it a gut feeling that makes us decide?.. i mean, common sense dictates that in order to make a decision, we need some sort of assurance.. this little tiny gut feeling that can actually make us get up and say, 'this is my decision'.. we still don't know for sure, but it gives us a motive to decide.. we can take blinking decisions on small stuff, for sure, but i'm talking about the major stuff in life here.. like choosing a career, not where to go for dinner this evening.. education, work, marriage, money are the major stuff i'm talking about.. and each of us has decided on at least 1 major issue in our lives, and more to come.. but how can we do that?.. how can we choose when we don't know the outcome.. when we're not sure.. we take decisions everyday without knowing for sure whether they are right or wrong.. whether we will benifit from them or we'll suffer.. from choosing what to wear in the morning to choosing which of the 2 job offers to pick.. we make decisions everyday, and it just feels like a big life-long lottery game.. oh, what r the odds of wining the lottery again?

(4)
loneliness is the only felling i can think of that can crush the human soul.. feeling that u're all alone in this world is the only feeling i can think of that would reduce our souls to vapor.. when we're feeling lonely it's as if time had stopped, while life itself just keeps going on.. we feel alive just cuz we're involuntarily breathing.. just because our hearts r involuntarily beating.. it crushes the soul, i tell u.. it crushes the soul..


with all that said..
i'm still gonna give life another try..

Annie Hall

A Tribute to one of the best movies I have ever seen..

the starting scene is an abrupt closeup of Alvy (Woody Allen) doing the following monologue...

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, and one of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such.. small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness.. and it's all over much too quickly. The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. And it goes like this -I'm paraphrasing, "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. You know, lately the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I don't know. I, uh.. and I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one of those characters, you know. Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I, uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say the, uh, distinguished gray, for instance, you know? Unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism.

(Sighing)
Annie and I broke up and I still can't get my mind around that. You know, I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and examining my life and tryin' to figure out where did the screw-up come, you know. A year ago we were.. in love. You know, and it's funny, I'm not.. I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. I -I, uh, you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess.

the ending scene is of Alvy and Annie (Diane Keaton) shaking hands and friendly kissing each other goodbye. Annie crosses the street while Alvy watches her go. He then turns and slowly walks down the street, off the screen, while his voice narrates the following monologue...

After that it got pretty late and we both hadda go, but it was great seeing Annie again, right? I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her and I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother is crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feet about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and.. but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, most of us need the eggs.

Annie Hall (1977) written by Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman.

Makeup.. or break up?

when it comes to makeup, u're the expert.. u're the makeup artist.. yes it's an artistry to use some products to disguise the truth.. the ugly truth.. and make it socially acceptable.. maybe even plausible and recommended..

but what if the makeup is shaken off?.. washed off?.. what if the ugly truth is revealed?.. but not because u failed in applying ur makeup, no.. and not because u chose to reveal the truth, no.. not even because u felt guilty with all the disguise and lies, no.. not because u think it's wrong to fool the closest people to u, no.. not because of all that.. just because u were unlucky once.. just because the ugly truth cannot hide silently forever.. just because things like destiny and fate intervene in our daily life without us noticing.. the end result is, no makeup would do now.. once the truth is out there, it cannot be disguised anymore.. once it's out there, not even a creative makeup artist like u could mask it..

i've been fooled.. but i'm not an idiot..
which should make answering this question quite easy..
should i makeup, or break up?

horny

yeah u love me
yeah u care about me
yeah u make me happy
u do it all
and just for me
but oh, i'm horny..

i enjoy ur presence
i kinda depend on it
u actually fulfilled my desires
when u cured my sexual insecurities
but i'm still horny

u think i'm beautiful
u see me sexy
u prove it with ur touch
when we r making love
but it just makes me feel more horny

there r others out there
they r worth the try
but what can i do
i'm stuck with u
i love u, i do
but they all desire me
which makes it even harder
for me to resist
cuz u see
it makes me feel good
it makes me feel free
and what can i do
since i'm so horny

u're mine, i'm urs
and the way i see it
i'm not doing wrong
i'm just exploring
so why be mad
if u just know
that i'm so horny

i didn't cheat
or maybe i did
but u don't know
or maybe u do
but it's just me
i know it's me
it's like a disease
i can't escape
and i won't try
cuz it feels so good
to be desired
and at the end of the day
u will be there
waiting for me
embracing me
and if u ask
i know i'll say
i'm just horny