something is trying to speak to me.. i donno what it is.. but it's been trying to speak to me for a while now.. i kept ignoring it but it kept on trying and trying.. i didn't understand at first.. didn't know it was trying to speak to me.. i thought it's gonna get me down (like everything else in my life right now).. but it was only trying to speak to me.. and when i came aware of that, i let it..
i already had some ideas of what it was tying to tell me.. i had these ideas accumulating for a while now.. but i always get to a point where it's like i'm hitting a brick wall.. right now, right at this moment, i'm at the point where i realize that i MUST do something to change my life..
but this is where i get stuck.. it feels like my mind goes blank every time i reach this point of self-exploration.. i feel that i could go in many different directions, but i don't know which to choose, so i remain where i am.. stuck, angry, frustrated.. and immobilized.. and knowing that i'm the only one responsible to change it all, i'm feeling extremely pressured.. overwhelmed that i don't know where to start..
i'm presently in a relationship in which i'm happy.. but i feel the fear of 'losing' that as well.. and that too is creating yet great anxiety for me.. i think i'm sabotaging this relationship cuz i don't feel worthy of this good thing.. i need to be more balanced and self-tolerating..
i often feel undergrounded and unsure of my place in this world.. my nervous system is feeling shot down right now and is in desperate need of support.. my mental discipline is offset with helplessness..
so i listened to it.. hearing what it had to say..
'u need to understand more completely and clearly that u CAN heal urself.. u need to be able to know that u can take care of urself in whatever situation.. this needs to be developed and it can be developed if u get it in touch with.. just lose interest in judging urself all the time and get in touch with this reality.. we all know the importance of feeling good, but we just tend to forget about it.. we r almost always busy dealing with the "important stuff", but we forget that the most important thing is to feel good and live a stress-free life.. create a switch and turn it on.. cancel all ur previous negative emotions.. don't wait until ur negative emotions get big and dominate ur thoughts.. pretend to see hope, if that's what it takes, cuz it's not about seeing it clearly, it's about feeling it strongly in ur gut..'
and to it, whatever it may be, i say..
'dear guardian angel.. my heart is heavy with hurt, anger and guilt.. i ask ur help and guidance.. help me understand me better.. guide me past my pride, fear, wounds, history, and ego.. make me express my appreciation with love and peace..'
it's just the matter of answering my 'what' question...
