me:
it's like a wild time of the year for me.. well, not really wild.. and maybe not particularly this part of the year.. well i'm just trying to express raw feelings here.. got nothing prepared.. so, a wild time of the year.. but it's just the start of may.. so by saying 'year' i'm actually referring to the 4 months that have already passed.. i ain't gonna speculate about the coming months.. not cuz i don't have enough imagination but actually cuz it seems like i don't care.. not like i don't care i don't care, but really, what's more important, the now we have or the future we know nothing about?.. and right here is the wild part actually.. cuz that's not how i used to think some time back..
my other me (yeah, it's part of my many contradictions):
hhmmm, sounds really confusing.. don't quite get it.. what exactly r u trying to say..
me:
ok ok, let me start over.. to a man who always thought 1 step ahead, the past couple of weeks have been totally unplanned.. i mean, i didn't think ahead.. i didn't feel like wanting to.. i was just living the moment and surprisingly i wasn't stuck like i always used to think i would be.. u know that i'm in a period in my life where i need to take decisive action, but somehow i was comfortable not to think about moments further on my timeline than the moment i'm actually in.. and u know what, it did clear my mind.. it somehow made me ready to do.. as if my mind was a bowling ally with the pins all scattered and then this sweeping machine clears everything and resets the pins getting ready for a 'strike' (or at least a 'spare' i hope)..
my other me:
so u're giving up thinking about the future?
me:
no.. not really..
my other me:
????
me:
balance.. 'right now' is just as important as the 'near future', some might even say more important, but let's just keep it at that.. a balance between the now and the next.. between living my life and wishing for a better one.. everybody thinks about the future at some point.. but i let it be an obsession.. it's just that life ain't played like that.. yeah, life is a big game.. big big game, where u only have 1 life and u gotta figure the rules out urself (which is theoretically unfair).. so why obsess about making plans when u really don't know all the rules of the game.. life is a game.. a game that no one ever mastered, hell, almost all of us are still on level 1.. and as u go along, u discover the rules.. rules u haven't heard of before.. rules that don't necessarily appeal to u.. rules that just make the game harder and harder.. not just that, but some of the rules actually change along the way.. and to fuck it all up for ya, rules that r actually kept secret though they can cost u the only life u have.. so, the only way to survive this game is to actually live it.. have ideas and think ahead all u want but u just gotta live it..
