signs.. or are they

so, again i'm awake at 5am... and i've only slept like 2.30am or something... i've been having this sleeping disorder for 4 days now (maybe 5 days, i really don't recall).. and this time it was the hardest and most painful... cuz i woke up to throw up... (even though it rhymes it's still gross!).. yeah i threw up.. i threw up all my dinner until there was nothing left inside... but it seems that my brain was not really convinced that that's all.. and it kept sending signals for me to do it more... i was there leaning to the toilette, trying so hard to throw up and nothing comes out!!... and the more that happens, the harder i try.. i fell to my knees.. tears were falling off my eyes.. and i was still doing it!!... it got so intense that at some point i couldn't even take a breath in!!.. my body was rejecting letting anything in unless everything is out first!!... everything!!!!

after a 20 min. struggle, i made myself a hot cup of tea with some mint.. and sat down to write...

getting everything out!.. is this my body's way of punishing me?!... is it giving me a signal that i've been holding alot inside and i just need to let it all out... all... everything.. but do i need to be punished for that?!... why be that cruel!!... if it's true then for the first time my body ain't my alley.. and what a feeling this is... feeling like a stranger in ur own skin... like ur soul doesn't belong in this body... that's cruel.. that's hard to bare.. specially for me..

u know what's playing right now on iTunes (i'm using my sis laptop - and yes she has an iPod)... an old, classic, sad, full of emotion french track by Jeane Manson called 'avant de nous dire adieu'.. and i really love the part where she goes...

je peux tout te pardonner
et faire semblant d'oublier
je veux bien fermer les yeux
et faire tout ce que tu veux
je veux bien te partager
et ne veux te supplier
mais reste encore
je me ferai si petite
que tu ne me verras pas
et je me ferai si tendre
que demain tu m'aimeras
je serai toute d'amour
et je serai toute a toi
mais reste encore

she's holding on in dispare.. i feel it in her voice.. she's trying to run away from the reasons.. trying to ignore them, but to no avail.. it all goes back to the fact that what remains is, c'est fini nous deux.. why.. well, simply cuz l'amour s'en va...

ok, then.. i'll forgive my body this time.. and if i find it hard to forgive, i will pretend to forget.. i'll just throw everything out there, blindly.. and even if i feel small, i know i will be back in good terms with myself.. cuz what will always remain is... i'm not finished.. i did not lose myself... and i will always be there loving who i am... howa!